The New Year has come. Some would say it is a time to reflect upon the previous year, determining where our life was, where it is now and what changes we would like to set for the new year. A time for goal setting, a time for hope.
I always have mixed emotions around the time of the New Year. Fear of losing what I have versus the excitement of new possibilities. It comes down to change. I am a person who in some circumstances has to have my back up against the wall to be willing to change. I have heard it said that some people leave claw marks on what they need to let go of. Yup. Sometimes that has indeed been the case. What might not be good for me has become familiar, convenient, and I have learned to live with it. It might even cause me a great deal of pain and difficulty, however I battle with the concept that what I know is surely better than the unknown. Safer then taking the chance on something new, something I can’t see, possibilities that may or may not come to fruition. In some situations, it is a walk in blind faith.
There have been times I have made changes in my life because the reality of staying in my current circumstances seemed scarier than taking a chance on something new and different. There is that saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. It is hard to break out of old patterns. I do know that for everything I let go of there will be a void, and I need to fill this void with something. Hopefully, something healthier and closer to my values than what I am leaving.
I do believe we accumulate many layers on our journey through this life and I can honestly say I have been in the process of shedding some of these layers. I can see it in my mind like shedding skin the way a snake does, in my case it is an emotional skin, and I no longer need these old emotional husks, made up of old perceptions and lies. Through the process of change, I can emerge with a shinier, clearer skin, ever getting closer to the truth.
And of course there is some change that seems exciting to begin from the very start. I am ready in my spirit, and the change is welcome. The exciting possibilities of embracing something physical, spiritual or emotional that will help me be the person I was created to be. I don’t believe that we ever stay neutral, we are fluid, forever flowing in one direction or another. It is my choice always of what direction I want to flow.
Interestingly, there are some things about me that people have encouraged me not to change. Qualities that in my younger years I battled with, such as being very sensitive. I perceived this as making me appear weak in a world where self control, discipline and the appearance of invincibility are revered. I tried to change this aspect of myself through various means, to become harder, more detached and unfeeling, only to find that the person I was truly detaching from was myself.
As I get older, and hopefully wiser through the years, I realize that embracing some of these qualities has become my strength and beauty. That at some point in our lives we come to the divine place of realizing that we do not have to apologize for who we are, who we were created to be, and to embrace and even love ourselves.
Of course, I have not always acted in a way I am proud of, but the core of who we are created to be is divine. The changes that I make that help me stay true to this destiny, that help me evolve, are the changes that I want to embrace for the New Year.
Deana Lafleur 2018